Dear Mr. President:
We the proud leaders of the Grand Old Party hereby formally request that you promptly make the major decisions that impact everyone in America, so we know how to best serve the Nation, our constituents and the American way of life by opposing them.
A good example of how we would like for you to act is Obamacare. Unlike the situation in Syria or the looming budget debate, you have made it clear for years that you are for the implementation of the Affordable Care Act. None of us have actually read the 1000 page document, nor do we have a clue what it does. But we know we are against it, and that’s why we are trying hard to defund it, whatever that means.
Unfortunately your policy on Syria has been far harder to oppose. When you first refused to get involved, we could easily label you as soft on national defense while demanding action. But then you actually decided to launch an attack, and so we had to have an emergency brainstorming session. Afterwords the Republican party decided to officially criticize you for being against the Constitution for going to war without congressional approval. You could imagine our dismay when you decided to ask exactly for that. Now we have no choice but to criticize you for your indecisiveness, but that won’t get us nearly as many appearances on Fox News.
We know we speak for our entire congressional Caucus when we say that the American people have elected us to office for no other reason than to oppose the policies of the man they have elected President, twice. Please don’t make this task harder than it already is.