Apple Fans Struggle To Be Condescending About Latest Iphone

IPhone5Title.svgCupertino – Every September, when Apple announces the latest Iphone, its fans take to the streets and social media to be smug and condescending towards friends and strangers who don’t have one. But this year they are struggling to get their “I’m better than you” message out as there is little that’s impressive about the Iphone 5s.

24 year old Jimmy Lee was shocked to experience this phenomenon when his initial Facebook posts about the superiority of the new Iphone were met with blow-back. As he admitted to us, even he struggled to find things to be impressed by, so like Tim Cook during today’s presentation, he decided to brag about the phone’s hardware, talking about its fast processor and the first use of a 64-bit Kernel. But it didn’t work, as he told us: “people kept responding with ‘you don’t even know what that means,’ and this one guy was like ‘kernel? whose making popcorn?”

18 year old Tanya Ryan tried focusing more on the aesthetics and bragging to her friends about all the choices in color you now have. But she was shocked when her fellow teenagers fired back with how you can already get all that from the many different Android phone options. As she told us “this one girl, who used to be my BFF but is now a total bitch, was like ‘dude, you can customize a moto x into, like 1000 different colors, even changing the buttons. Like, you need to stop shopping at Aeropostale and start going to H&M.'”

33 year old financial analyst Albert Rodrigo usually attacks his friends with a double whammy, bragging about how cool his Iphone is and how much money he is making on Apple stock. This year, with the underwhelming new release and Apple stock down, he is struggling on both fronts. So he decided to brag about the business savvy of Apple also releasing a cheaper Iphone 5C, aimed at developing markets. He too was surprised by the responses. “This one buddy of mine, whose been rocking Android since the G1, was saying ‘LOL, how the mighty have fallen. The cheaper Iphone will just cannibalize the regular one, since most you Apple fans don’t care about anything other than the logo on the back. Beside’s there’s a million cheap Android options, and unlike Apple they don’t market them as a lower quality phone for poor people. What does the C in 5C stand for anyway? Crap?'”

In another sign of how unremarkable the new phone is, some Apple-haters even felt emboldened to be condescending themselves. One Android fan took to parodying the old Iphone ad campaign on Twitter, declaring “If its not an Iphone, then its not an Iphone. Thank god for that!”


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