In light of a new Berkeley study that found the wealth gap is the widest in 80 years, and since most of that can be attributed to actions by the government, the nation’s billionaires have decided to do the polite thing and send Uncle Sam a big fat Thank You card.
The idea was proposed by Warren Buffet, America’s 2nd richest man and first in pretending like he actually gives a damn. Saved by bailouts in 2008, today he’s riding high as one of the biggest shareholders of Goldman Sachs, and feeling grateful. As he signed next to his name on the card, “Dear US Government: Thank you for saving me from dropping on the Forbes list below that whiny Michael Bloomberg.” As a demonstration of his trademark generosity, Buffet included a $50 gift certificate for Omaha Steaks.
Next was social media mogul Mark Zuckerburg, who has seen his net worth double as his Facebook stock has climbed with the rest of the market. Zuckerberg referred to his early naivete on the card. “When I was young I thought you got richer by creating stuff people want, but now I realize the real money is in owning shit the government drives up in value. So thx 2 U @unclesam.”
A group of geriatric real estate men, who started with a critique with “In our day you had to know how to write in English to be a billionaire” went on to say “Thank you Government for bringing mortgage rates down so we can buy tons of real estate. Since the middle class can’t get the same deal, we get to also make money renting to them. Now we are richer than Donald Trump could ever pretend to be!”
A group of hedge fund titans signed the card with “Our PR people made us sign this, even though we’ve earned every penny we’ve made since you bailed us out.”
Most surprisingly, the card was also signed by the uber-Republican and Tea Party backing Koch brothers, who almost always criticize the government. But as they explained on the Thank You card, “When Reagan introduced supply-side economics we were grateful, but under Dutch you still had to earn the money since all he gave us was lower tax rates. Now the government just hands us the money. For a Muslim, that Obama guy aint so bad”